The Lazy Planet Guide to Scotland.

By Brian Smudge

The Scottish Flag. Based on an original work by St Andrew, patron saint of golf.

Scotland is a wild and beautiful country and well worth a visit to the aspiring traveller who has, say, a fear of leaving the British Isles.

It boasts a rich and varied history whose narrative runs along side that of its neighbour, and perennial enemy  TheBastardEnglish.

Once a country of its very own, Scotland was chained to the rest of the British Isles by the great Scottish Engineers of the Victorian era, in a marriage of convenience that has almost lasted to this day with only a sprinkling of tell-tale signs of mutual domestic abuse.

 

The wild flat bleak and beautiful centre of Edinburgh

From its mountainous glens and clear spring waters to the quaint charms of catatonic fishing villages and the riotous display of interreligious hatred that is an old firm match in either of the country’s great cities – Glasgow and Pittenweem, Scotland is a vibrant yet gentle country and well worth a visit on any day (Not on match day.)

Getting There

Going by historical averages of most efficient journeys, Scotland is best reached by Longboat from Scandinavia. Alternatives include the train-replacement coach-train route which is commonly available during the festive season, the East Coast Mainline, the West Coast Mainline, the overnight coach, plane, pogo stick, bay city rollerskate and popular 1974 science fiction invention, the Jaunting Belt, all of which are as equally relaible.

Upon crossing the border there are no passport checks but a close inspection of any banknotes you are carrying will be carried out. While any bank note portraying the Queen’s head and bearing the word Sterling is legal tender throughout the country, it is a long standing and tiresome ritual that any English note in Scotland or Scottish note in England be treated with suspicion, derision and scorn despite both sides being more than delighted to take your money.

 

Main regions of Scotland as viewed from the Space

General Geography

Assuming you are reaching Scotland overland from the south the first sight that will greet you is the borders. These are wild and disputed lands, peppered with magnificent castles and stately fortified homes from a time when the folks lived in absolute and perpetual terror.

Further North you reach the Lowlands, a narrow band of fertile soil and the most populous part of Scotland. Between the Forth and the Clyde lie the great cities of Edinburgh, Stirling, Glasgow and Sterling, Tilocoutry, near Stirling.

Beyond the lowlands are the High Lowlands, followed by the Low Highlands, The Middle Highlands, The High Highlands. The Highlands and Islands, The Islands, Skye, Tiree, Wick, Orkney, Shetland. Fair Isle, the Faroes, South East Iceland, Iceland, North Iceland, The Aurorae Borealis, the North Atlantic Ice Shelf and The North Pole.

Broadly speaking the West of the country is more mountainous than the East and as a consquence is wetter. Excessive erosion over the years as well as being eaten by sheep has led to the crinkly coastline of the west. It rains less in the East although it is worth visitors from England noting that THIS IS ALL RELATIVE.

Main Outsports and Exputs of Scotland

Places to Visit

Scotland is a culturally rich country having produced some of the greatest Poets (Robert Burns), Engineers (Telford, Watt) and Inventors (Logie Baird(TV(Television:Inventor of),the),John,Graham Bell(tele(phone),the,inventor of),Alexander),Krankie,(“Fan-dabby-dozy”),phrase,the,of, inventor),Wee Jimmy) the world has ever seen.

In recent years Scotland has achieved a degree of independence from its oppressive Southern Neighbour and recently, to its general dismay, the whole of Europe. The Scots are an eternally optimistic bunch(1) however and only time will tell what the future holds for this lovely country.

  1. Can you check that’s what you meant?

 

Make sure, if you’re in the habit of missing things out, that you don’t miss these things out on your visit while you’re there!

Check these places out:

  • Killfuchquars Castle – Now a stately home but once the site of the most bloody luncheon in Scottish History. Seven rival clans were brought together to negotiate peace over dinner. They never even made it past the soup course. Grounds open daily 13:01 – 13:12 a camera with a high shutter speed is advised.
  • The Burns Monument, Dunfermline – Lots of people suffer nasty burns every year, some serious but many temporary and overplayed for sympathy. This centrally-heated monument pays tribute to them
  • The Flora McDonald visitor centre. Sponsored by Flora and McDonalds.
  • Edinburgh Castle and Tattoo parlour. The Edinbugh Tattoo cannot be removed by laser surgery. Visitors are requested to be sure they are happy to commit before attending.
  • The Grand Whisky Tour – all 148 distilleries in eight hours- inculdes free dram at every stop! We cannot remember anything about this and four of our party died.
  • The Clydeside ship building tour. 14 hours a day, 7 days a week. You must book in advance to be let out.
  • Walking in the Glens of the Hunters tour. Wear bright clothing and stay low.
  • A Taste of the Monroes. Monroes are spectacular mountains over 3000 feet high. Amazing views. Will break your teeth.
  • The Pittenweem Fisheries Museum. this novelty attraction teaches visitors to identify sixteen different types of fish by the smell of their putrefying carcasses. An entertaining if mildly horrific afternoon.
  • The Dunkeld Science Centre. Built with Lottery Heritage money that was going to go on a bridge or something this baffling collection of interactive exhibits is easily as informative as being in a coma.
  • The Wee Tartan Fleece Shop, Edinburgh. You think you’re getting a personalised Tartan, you’re being fleeced.

 

Scotland has lots of trees but no one knows what they’re fir.

Top Picks to Stay

Additionally we’ve sought out some of the best places to stay and eat, whether you’re in the north, the south, the west, the east or somewhere inbetween (not LongNiddry)

  • Mrs Brown’s Boys Only club. Leith Docks. Edinbugh. Right next to popular gay nightspots this friendly transgender boutique hotel promises you numerous innuendo and gurns to camera.
  • The Auld Reekin’ FermToun Lodge. Situated in the borders near a massive sewage treatment works, the Auld Reekin FermToun Lodge promises unspoilt views of natural biological degradation of human waste. A nearby nature reserve is inexplicably deserted, and visitors will be able to enjoy pleasant country walks un-accosted by the irritating sounds and activity of wild animals.
  • MineHead. MineHead. A unique chance to stay in one of the many abandoned mine shafts that litter the central Lowlands. Visitors are not met on arrival and approach the mine floor via a rickety lift mechanism. No reviews as yet as we are currently struggling to locate previous visitors.
  • St Andrews Golfing Lodge and Gentleman’s Parlour. £4,500 a night. Handicap of 5 or better required. Scottish peerage or equivalent preferred.
  • The anti-trump bunker – Trump international Golf Links, Aberdeen. Stay in the bunker on Trump’s newly built and highly controversial golf course. Stays vary from several months to a few days before being carted away by some men in black polo shirts with thick necks.

Eating and Drinking

  • Advised as an excellent way to avoid starvation or dying of thirst.

Try our poll:

Special Mention: The Edinburgh Festival Fringe

If you’re lucky enough to find yourself in Edinburgh during the month of August you may have about to be lucky enough to have encounted the Edinburgh Festival Fringe. Here anyone with an idea, regardless of talent, business sense or creative integrity can rent just a cleaning cupboard and create “theatre” or even “comedy”. Schedules vary so check the 450 page brochure or simply walk down the Royal Mile to have suggestions bellowed into your head.

Last year’s highlights included:

  • The Darkness of the Dark: A man wearing only a pair of flippers stares at you from a spotlight in a not-quite-dark enough room while other performing arts graduates stumble in the background wrapped in sheets. A challenging piece that raises questions about the meaning of theatre and the true value of seven pounds fifty and forty five minutes of your life.
  • The Incredibly Well Supported and Popular Comedian show. They don’t give a f**k what you think as long as the Telly Producers see you laughing.
  • Whoops Vicar is that your Dick? Riotous Oxbridge fun as the undergraduates tackle thorny issues such as the sudden appearance of a vicar’s bottom in the window of the village chandlers. Almost certainly original and appealing to wide socio-economic audience while tackling thorny topical issues.
  • Angry shouty drunk man. Daily. The Royal Mile. Continues all year.

 

 

Some of Scotlands Famousnessessess

We hope you’ve enjoyed this guide to Scotland. If you’ve any ideas how to make it better please dear God write to us.

 

Thanks!

The Lazy Planet Team

 

 

 

 

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Look! new! office! – the Lazy Planets’ Back!

Hello! It’s been a while.

Well –  it looks like its been a bit quiet up here at The Lazy Planet towers (basement) but we’ve all been very busy, haven’t we Brian?

Do you mean lazy? I looked them up in the dictionary and “busy” is a very poor desciption of what we’ve been. Especially you. You wouldn’t know “busy” if it punched you, nicked your adress book, then emailed you and all your friends repeatedly to let you know what a lazy f**k you are. Don’t publish that obviously.

While we haven’t managed to secure new funding, Stanley did manage to find some cash he’d “forgotten about”  in our accounts. Plus our new office space has given us a new lease of life and is relatively cheap at 126 pounds a month as long as you remember to get off before Seven Sisters.

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Safety in the office is EVERYONE’s concern. The signs AREN”T THERE TO MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPY.

Sadly a positive upturn in the real job market meant Linneus and Bethan had to leave us temporarily which meant there was no-one to get the tea in. And staff morale was at an all time low with Brian producing over three hundred posts consisting of the words “all work and no play makes jack a dull boy” which I think is from a film or something.. It is with great joy however that I am able to announce that Linneus was fired for inappropriate behaviour and Bethan simply wasn’t as good as she thought she was, so they’re back! Add to that our plan to outsource content from people even less well informed than ourselves and we think we’re on to a winner.

Our New Direction: (Which is actually the old direction. Confused? Yes we were when we were told about it at this morning’s meeting in the car park but we were also told all will become clear so that’s fine, isn’t it?)

With our new lease of life we intent to re-focus our efforts on what we set out to do – bring you the world without actually having to spend any money, or time or effort basically going there and after the phenomonenonominal success of our FOCUS ON LONDON strand we’ve decided to look further afield.

But we have to say we couldn’t do it without you our loyal reader.s

Finally a big thanks to everyone who’s written to us offering to increase our web traffic and bring hundreds more visitors to the site! We’ve been touched.

Before we post again make sure you check out some of our favourite posts which are listed on the site somewhere. [Don’t forget to add the links]

On with the show!

Who’s doing the next one? Can you get on with it please or this could just be embarrassing.

Lazy Planet -Fashion – on a budget!

Emily By Emily

Hi peeps!

With Spring nudging its green shoots of recovery through the cracked, grit scattered, dog excrement smeared pavement of the world fashion scene (last winter was not good for me), now is the perfect time to be stocking up your wardrobe on this season’s latest fashion outings.

High fashion is all about seeing and being seen but it can be an expensive business!

Where else but in clothing would you feel obliged to throw out a perfectly good functioning and expensive object and replace it with a different perfectly expensive possibly less practical object simply because someone who spends all their day drinking champagne and telling rich people they look amazing and who has pages and pages of highly glossy, terrible-for-the-environment heavyweight print to publish each week while exploiting often poorly paid girls who are under constant pressure to look medically critically thin just so they can kick of their Guiseppe Zanotti Coleen high heels at the end of the day and feel like they’ve risen above their silver spoon pre-paid un-earned existence and achieved something with their pointlessly privileged lives tells you, to at your expense, for the advice? Only in fashion that’s what.

And we can’t all afford to change our wardrobe when we work for next to nothing so to help ease the pain I’ve drawn together some handy hints on how to get more out of your budget when it comes to fashion with my guide to Fashion on a Budget.

Winter into Spring

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Something about spring? Flowers = spring no?

Winter was all about dark brooding hues with splashes of bright colours  and long nights waiting for your friends in sleazy bars and wasting all your best outfits when they’d ditched you out for their new “boyfriends” and anyway we don’t all have to do the same things all the time do we? So time to move on. Besides it was all hidden safely under bog standard off-the-peg-duffel coats. But this Spring it’s all about vibrant patterns and clashing fabric choices.

Clashing Patterns

matching

Proper fashion can come in at eye-watering prices. Try taking two old patterned shirts and cutting them in half down the middle. Gaffer tape the back and button together or glue together with epoxy resin at the front. The more clashing the patterns the more likely you are to turn heads and cause epileptic seizures. Why not try more than two shirts – or simply pull a patchwork quilt over your head and cut two holes for the arms and an optional one for your head depending on how gorgeous you are. Accessorise with strings of scissors round your neck and sellotape tassels.

 

Bedouin Chic and Flamenco Bedwear

pyjamas
They’re all wearing pyjamas. So should you.

Spring is also about flounce and flair with bold stripes and a middle-eastern bedouin feel. Pack lightweight trouser pockets full of sand to give that genuine – just out the desert feel or explosives.

extract
Be sure to check you have paid for both halves.

Flamenco bedwear is also hot this Spring. so jazz up an old nightdress with fake plastic black roses and a healthy dollop of fresh bull’s blood. Alternatively tone down your flamenco outfit with a few Hello Kitty bobbles and a night cap.

Masculine smells.

Business fashion remains stable around dressing masculine to show the boys you can match them pound for ruddy pound. A pot belly and visible shirt tails is ideal for boardroom chic so aim for a badly ironed shirt and a tie with the knot done in the wrong place. A wedding ring looks good but make sure it can be slid off easily for those strip bar nights. Facial hair, including nasal, ear and extensive eyebrow hair can also add a touch of authentic class, as can going bald but hiding it. Add masculine smells by eating spicy food and swerving basic hygiene expectations.

The Great Wildness.

In the outdoor pursuit range an all-in-one Barbour (TM) onesy is highly desirable this year. Lacking any form of pockets or opening the fit can be tight and at times intimidating but for weather dependent activities it is second to none. Make this yourself by adding a single zip running along every edge and asking a dear friend to zip you in and check on you every few hours.

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You can make things from curtains. If you can be bothered. It isn’t cheaper but less light gets in.

Finally in sportswear the flexibility and durability of the high-performance fabrics are second to none but they can be extremely pricey. If your commitment to a new fitness regime is highly dependent on having bought the right clothing, a simple towel held with a giant brightly coloured safety pin can be the most effective at mopping sweat, or a simple leotard adorned with stick-on day-glo buttons can give you that motion-capture athleticism and will make creating your self-promotional performance video where you morph into a dinosaur whilst base jumping off mountains much easier in the edit.

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Love these shoes.

Finally a round up of the latest fashions wouldn’t be right without a discussion of shoes. It seems today the choice is all between comfort and fashion. Get round this simple trick by placing your favourite comfy shoes in a stolen Nicole Farhi box with plenty of wrapping, taking them into work then opening them in front of your colleagues. Voila comfortable shoes all day, while your colleagues marvel. Note any scuffs and simply tut and mention you’ll take them back. They will adore you.

That’s it from me. Hope there’s enough to keep you going this Spring and not naked.

BYeeee. Emily.

 

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How to access your boiler refill. Emily. You were asking about this. I’m sure you were. 

 

The Lazy Planet History of London

by Brian Smudge

Brian Smudge
Brian is not qualified in history. Or anything

It’s time to root back through the annals of history to uncover the murky history of London. In this handy print-out-then-cut-out-and-keep-then-use-then-throw-away guide we take you on a brisk Lazy Planet Tour of the History of London.

Please note. As this is the Lazy Planet Guides we may ask you to forgive us some small inaccuracies that may have crept in.

London was founded in 85400 BC by DINOSAURS.

Evidence for this was uncovered in 1896 when eminent Victorian Scientist Billiard Jeremiah Slagheap first dug a hole in his garden in Hammersmith and, finding a hole the size of a DINOSAUR HOOF declared that dinosaurs must have roamed the land in HAMMERSMITH and therefore founded London.

Dinosaurs
Dinosaurs founded London in the Past

London was uninhabited until much later on in history, really until the ROMANS arrived.

The Romans, being very fond of living nice, decided that this small curve in the River Thames was the perfect spot for a trading post, a fort, a massive temple to some of the Gods they made up and some TOGAS. London was born. In AD54.

Roman masonry?
Detail of a Roman thingummy somewhere.

To the ROMANS London was a very popular trading spot where they would meet with people coming from the continent and tell them to go back to the Roman Empire which covered most of the continent. This tradition is commonly practised today.

The Romans brought many things to London including its regularly laid out streets, water, lions and war many of which can be seen on the streets of London today.

It’s easy to imagine how the locals were awed by the presence of so many men with swords who told them what to do. They left quite a legacy!

Then they left around 341 AD. Things were getting busy in the Empire at that time what with it collapsing and it was decided that keeping Britain or Britannicus as it was known was no longer a priority and anyway it was cold.

Picture of Forest?
This is what London looked like when the Romans left

 

The leaving of the Romans left a sizeable gap and local tribes were allowed back into the area. These were made up of Angles and Saxons from Germany and were basically VIKINGS. They raided the coastal town of Londonwich which was today where the Strand is only less busy. After a few raids the Londonsfolk moved back into the walled city of London where there were walls, locked the door and no-one saw them for several centuries during which time they invented the congestion charge.

After the Vikings stopped being so violent and had explained they weren’t really raiders they’d just run out of space for their sheep, the Saxons begun to accept them. Suddenly a new threat appeared on the horizon when the Normans – who were essentially NORSE MEN and so VIKINGS started to eye up the land of the Angles who were DANISH or sort of and the VIKINGS  who were from Sweden.

And so the battle of Hastings was born and in 1066 the Normans took over the country and began numbering the kings. They built the great big Tower of London to mark the event and opened it as a tourist attraction where you could watch beheadings for 10/6 as long as you didn’t eat the ravens or make fun of the beefeaters. This practice still continues today.

England was ruled by the Normans for years and London prospered where it grew around what is known as the City today. It remained the captial all through the WARS OF THE FLOWERS where two groups of Northerners the Lancastrians and the Yorks fought about who should be king and which was better the North or the South and within the North whether the West or the East was better. This is a tradition that continues today.

A map of London from the time of the Elizabethans who are not covered here for obvious reasons.
A map of London from the time of the Elizabethans who are not covered here for obvious reasons.

 

Well that’s all we could be bothered with. But then there was a bridge, a plague, some fire a new St Paul’s, a theatre, some bear fights, lots of georgian town houses, a parliament builidng, some sewage works, fog, a tube network, cars,  the Blitz, a smattering of hideous 60’s high rise, bankers, and airport, Canary wharf, the Dome, a pointless cross-river cable car, congestion charge and a building that burns cars. But nothing is quite as interesting as the Romans or DINOSAURS

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This is what it looks like now

Leave us a comment if you’d like to hear more and tell other people because unless you do I don’t get paid for this.

I have some leaflets that covers other things here so I could copy them out. But otherwise I hope you’ve enjoyed this brief introduction to THE HISTORY OF LONDON!
Thanks

Brian

The Lazy Planet Guide to Valentines Day Eating in London

by Bethan

kitten

Hello!

London is so the hub of the world food thing at the moment. Everywhere you look there are places to eat. So it must be.  And with Valentines Day coming up now’s the time to be treating someone you love –  or admire, or want to have carnal squidgy with – by taking them out and watching them eat.

So join me for my weekly [you’ll be lucky – Ed] round-up of places to eat as I gather together all the places to eat and be taken out to dinner. I’m generally free on Thursday evenings. And if you’re reading this Kyle, feel free to you know, just call me, or return my calls or whatever. It’s polite, okay.
So here it is – my round up of the best places to eat in London for Valentines day or not.
The Beardy Guzzler – Shoreditch High St.
Upmarket cardboard food served on cardboard plates with cardboard cutlery. Bring your own pair of brightly coloured braces, checked shirt and beard. Shit.
Hash Browns – Victoria Park
Where hash cakes meet breakfast. Not ready for your comedown? – come down to Hash Browns. Check with local police for opening hours.
IMG_0516 (1)
You have to eat it.
 
Marco Pierre White at Raymond Blanc – Mayfair
They hate each other. Watch them kick seven shades of shit out of each other in the open kitchen while you try to finish an awkward meal with your loved one.
 
The Veggie Sausage Factory – Farringdon
Churning out indistinguishable vegetable platters since 2003. Unrivalled, if smelly.
The Swinging Fifties Burger Palace  Leicester Square
With genuine swinging. Be prepared to go home with someone twice your age.
Pie and a Pint and a Fight   London Bridge
Special reductions for students. Friday is early bird fight night. And so is the rest of the week.
IMG_0469
F**k

The Window Cleaning Platform at the Shard. – at the Shard

 Enjoy this uniquely terrifying dining experience on a suspended, unstable platform, eighty floors up.
RippOFF – King’s Road
Watch your bill rise eye-wateringly fast as business-savvy michelin star chef Arnold Ripp does you slowly over eighteen minuscule courses, delivered with carefully calculated pretention.
Escalattoria – Russell Square
Novelty Italian dining and the UK’s only restaurant on an escalator. Impossibly erratic service.
The Water Bar – Kennington.
Serving twelve different types of tap water at £8 a bottle. Excellent if you’re keeping an eye on the calories/vitamins/nutrients.

Cafe Rouge Alert – Aldwych

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Unnerving
This terrifying dining experience fuses the glamour of nineteen-thirties Paris with the opening few days of the Nazi occupation. Allo Allo it ‘aint.
The Klingon Eatery – Piccadilly
Star Trek themed restaurant serving Klingon inspired dishes and drinks. With everything from the menu to the signs to the toilet in Klingon this is a mind-bogglingly difficult evening.
No! Sushi –  Run out apparently.
Findus Keepers – Dalston
Serving original Findus crispy pancakes only – choose from beef and onion, chicken and bacon, fish bits and unclassified. Genuine original Eighties product. Not health rated.
RAW!  – Balham
For those who like your meat on the sanguine side. The meat is fresh from the animal to your plate as God intended it if God hated cooking.
There is a chef, but she’s ornamental.
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Yep. That’s how it comes.

 

Kebabylon– Clapham High Street
The place to come eat kebabs when you’re so drunk you can no longer speak. Like the tower of Babylon only made of meat. Mind the sick by the front door.
.
Well that’s it for this week! Happy Valentines (if you buy that shit).
Bethx

Lazy Planet: How to get about it (London)

Getting about in London can be a pain. Let Lineaus guide you through the variable options.

By Lineaus
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As I slide gaily through London’s bright and vibrant streets I am often struck by the variety of transport available, and cyclists. While I’ve nothing against cyclists they are very shiny, and largely frictionless which can be disconcerting.
But there are lots of ways to get around in this city. My personal favourite is the Tube.
The tube can be a wondrous place, where all of humanity is bundled together like toys in a toy box. Where the toys are all slightly nervous of each other. It’s a great place for smiling at girls. Girls love to be smiled at.
Also there are free newspapers and if you are feeling adventurous, free sips of coffee and discarded juice. I mean I don’t but I could. If I was hungry, you know.
Pricing varies, but the tube can be the most expensive form of transport in London, and if you have to actually do anything other than walk about and breathe, it can get pricey quickly.
Below is a tube map of places that are accessible by tube if you have less than £20 to spend a day.
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This is here is some map of the tube for under £20 a day.
Alternatively you can get a bus:
A bus
This bus is nearly empty. I would like to sing to her.
Buses are red and go everywhere, and are cheap, and are easy to get on. Here is Lineaus simple guide to getting on bussses.
  1. Find a bus stop and wait
  2. Get on the bus.
Pretty easy huh?
And girls like buses too. I always have my guitar with me so I like to play some songs to amuse fellow passengers. At the moment my favourites are
  1. You’re Beautiful by James Blunt
  2. Anything by Jack Johnson
  3. sometime I just find humming can be appealing.

If you are going by bus don’t stand on the upper deck or stairs. They don’t like it and the driver will throw you off.

 

The Docklands Light Railway is also handy for getting around out east but it is a bit like being driven by a drunk.

 

There are also cars but you must pay the congestion charge and have a car, both of which are pricey and not an option for the casual traveller. Also you have to have a licence apparently.

 

And there are also Boris bikes which are a very easy way of getting around. You will need to have a chip in your arm implanted in order to release one. There is a man at the edge of Hyde Park who will do this for you for money using an unsterilised penknife but I haven’t yet. Let me know if you have.  If you are a good cyclist then maybe this is for you but please remember that the bikes willoperate two levels below your own ability.

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Where the boats live.

Oh and boats but I get sea-sick and there are not so many girls on the riverboats but maybe in another post I will explore this.

Finally there is the unusual option of hiring a crane to get around. I found this a very good way of transporting lots of heavy stuff, but I didn’t travel very far and it wasn’t worth the being shouted at by men in hard hats and being arrested.
crane in Farringdongle
A crane. This is a last ditch travel arrangement and requires a degree of manual skill
So I hope that has been helpful and inspired you to explore this beautiful city in whatever way you would like to. Here is a picture that I took, just walking around. I hope you like it as much as I like it.
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Look at all the red cars in the background! 
Please let me know if there are other transports I haven’t considered. Or if you are a girl.
Happy travelling!
Lin

Focus on LONDon!

Welcome to London!

One of the most vibrant cities in the Southeast of England on the Thames Estuary. Whether you’re just here for the day, or tied to a life of toil and drudgery by actually living here, we’ve come together to pull together the best places to visit and sites to see!

Welcome to London!

TOP 10 PICKS. Sponsored by Bill’s bikes – the independent unregulated bike repair specialist.

Brians Bikes
Brians Bikes for when your bike is broke.n

London is England’s Capital and there are all kinds of Capital attractions here for the visitor and the resident alike. Here are some of our top picks. And if you go by bike there’s a discount on all travel in fact its free.

1. The London Eye. You’re watching it. It’s looking back at you. Freaky and unnerving. Get there by cycle route CS1.

2. The Houses of Big Ben. Technically Big Ben is the bell or whatever. You’d recognise it. It’s where the MP’s live. Bike parking is underground and requires a pre-arranged cabinet position.

3. Buckingham the Palace. Built in the something-hundreds, Buckingham Palace is a huge draw for tourists all round the world hoping to get a glimpse of the Queen but she’s not that stupid. Buy a ticket and enter a prize draw to get a glimpse of one of her shoes. Or hide in one of the cupboards hoping to surprise her. Cycling not permitted in the corridors.

4. Old Street Roundabout. No explanation necessary. Try this for a challenging cycle during rush hour.

5.  Oxford Street. For the ultimate shopping and bumping into people experience. Cycling is only permitted on the escalators and a helmet is advised.

6. Tower Hamlets Community Centre. I’ve done it.  We’ve all done it. So should you. Front wheel replacement and new recycled bike locks can be purchased from No. 24. If the dog is barking just come back later.

7. The Italian Embassy. Necessary for all visas and permits to work. Best visited with an Italian who needs to tackle an issue relating to their conditions of entry. Guided tour not available. Ask the receptionist for your free I Love Berlusconi Handlebar neon effect face mask.

8. Madame Toussauds! Have they made a wax work of you yet? Not likely, you nobody. Why not try to get a finger up a waxy effigy of your favourite celeb. Don’t forget to sign the petition.

9. The Toliet. No visit would be complete without one. Men only in the men’s please. Costs vary. No bikes.

10. St Paul’s Cathedral and Tube Station. Don’t get them mixed up! Lighting a candle in the tube is dangerous and illegal. Seriously.  Boris bikes are available for cycling the gallery but need to be carried from street level.

11. And many more! Harrods! Sports Direct, Brixton! The Natural History Museum Dinosaur bit! The Olympic park! Dog shit! And of course Brian’s Bikes! Where you come first! –  if you’ve booked.

Next: Focus on: Travel: In London: Getting around: [insert brief description here]

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